Field Notes on Country Linguistics

Field Notes on Country Linguistics

As Suzy stammered- my ears perked up. For distraction I called out- “Hey Kathy- put on another pot of coffee.” Suzy spoke again. The fact is- gouging my own eyes out with a ketchup bottle would n Contd...

As Suzy stammered- my ears perked up. For distraction I called out- “Hey Kathy- put on another pot of coffee.” Suzy spoke again. The fact is- gouging my own eyes out with a ketchup bottle would not have distracted me. A linguistic calamity was eminent.

The hair on the back of my neck stood up- then it ran from the room. I knew where Suzy was headed. Her speech was like watching a car accident. It all moved in slow motion. Every instinct in me said tear the phone from her hand before it/' s too late. But she had to learn to properly communicate with customers. Please Lord- I begged- don/' t let her say it. Then it happened. Suzy uttered the words- “We/' ll mam- I ain/' t fer sures on that.”

Across America- English professors collectively wept. My mind locked. How could she have said it again? She had been with our company four months. Still- there was hope. Okay- Lord- you/' re pretty funny- I sneered. Seriously- could her next words please be- “If you would not mind holding for one moment- I will find out the answer for you.” Ha! No such luck.
The gods hate me. After an awkward silence (while the caller and I shared an embolism)- Suzy proceeded to take the customer’s order. Neither of them was any wiser for the experience. I stepped outside to meditate. Would I have to fire her? I was not fer sures on that?

You hear many endearing phrases in the county. I find- ‘a doins’ quite charming. Such as there/' s a doins at Bubba/' s tonight. Translated this means- festivities will take place at Bubba’s residence this evening.

‘Pert near’ is fun. Linguists translate this colorful twist on grammar as meaning- ‘almost’ not nearby. As in- pert near everybody ceptin that cidiot been told bout the rodeo. Meaning- almost everyone- except the new city idiot- was informed of the upcoming rodeo event.
Unfortunately- telling a high maintenance Dressage Equestrian (they are all high-maintenance)- “Ya aint/' s fer sures on that- ” translates as- “Hello- we are illiterate- so buy our product.” Following this with no offer to expand your knowledge and assist the customers says- “We may be illiterate- but that/' s ok. We also suck. Thank you and have a nice day.”

Tourists passing through the area have improperly translated another phrase. “What chya doin?” is often misinterpreted as the rhetorical “What/' s up?” or “What/' s happening?” Sadly- that is not its meaning. “What chya doin?” literally translates as- “What are you doing?" Confusion on this matter is based on timing.
“What chya doing?” is often asked when your activity could not be more blatantly obvious. For example: You/' re spreading cheese over flat dough topped with tomato sauce. Mountains of pepperoni are poised nearby. A stranger asks- “What chya doin?" Heads up: They literally have not connected the dots. Do not wisecrack- “Installing solar panels." Before you know it- you/' ll be explaining how green peppers affect your hot water supply.

Here in South Dakota low wages have brought in large numbers of Customer Service call centers. Airlines- finance companies- catalog sales- these types of companies coagulate around Rapid City. Lately there has been a lot of concern over competition from India. Apparently the population of India is highly educated and enunciates in a manner more understandable than that of South Dakotans. Americans- not having Hindi as the mother tongue- stand little chance. Still- there is a certain irony in residents of the Black Hills losing something to Indians. How many groups will that statement offend? I ain/' t fer sures on that.

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